Be calm. Be brave. It will be okay.

One week from today, I leave for Thailand to begin what I hope will be one of the greatest experiences of my life.  I'm scared.  I'm nervous.  I'm thrilled.  I'm excited.  And I'm a mushy, emotional mess.

I managed to spend the entirety of 2011 navigating the application process, nomination, placement, and invitation for a position in the United States Peace Corps.  In that time, I've also managed to survive excruciating family traumas, the loss of a job and an identity, and, luckily, the realization and acceptance of just how much love and happiness I have in my life.

Over the past few weeks I've taken a lot of time to reflect upon the life I'll be putting on hold for the next two years. I've found it's easy to find and focus on the good when I begin to think about everything and everyone I'm going to miss.  I've noticed it's become effortless to love freely and openly since I have stopped fearing the consequences.  And, I've realized that I'm finally living my life in a way I have always wanted.

Right now, at this exact moment, I'm a little scared about missing too much the things and people I feel like I'm leaving behind.  I've had some pretty cold feet this week.  Moving 10,000 miles away is so much scarier than I thought it would be.  But, I continue to hope and feel this is the right decision for me.  I know I will change and I hope that when I do, it's only for the better.  I hope that I get to live in my own little Thai house with (very few) bugs and snakes.  I hope that everyone is nice to me.  I hope I stop being scared of fish. I hope I learn how to cook.  I hope I laugh more than I cry.  I hope I get to eat weird things.  I hope I can teach someone something they wouldn't have learned otherwise.  I hope for the ability to change at least one person's life that isn't my own. I hope I'm challenged but not broken.  I hope that I'm just as sad to leave Thailand in two years as I am to leave my home right now.  I hope that all of the people I am so sad to leave this week will be excited to see me when I come home.  (And I really hope they come to visit.)  And most of all, I hope my dog doesn't hate me for abandoning him for two years.  I'm feeling particularly guilty about that one. 

I'm proud of myself for committing to this assignment and following a life long dream; for being brave and doing something even though it's a little scary.  I'm grateful to have the opportunity to live and work in a foreign country with the goals and hopes of making the world a better, happier place.  I'm so thankful to those in my life who have been beyond supportive and uplifting during this part of my journey.  And I'm thankful to those who have not, as they have only strengthened my desire to color outside of the lines. 

In the end, I have no idea what will actually come to be, but whatever it is, I have a feeling it's going to be grand.