No Resolutions

I've been back in Thailand for exactly two weeks since my trip back to the States.  I've slept a lot, started and finished three novels, lost the 10lbs I'd put back on during my two weeks at home, and managed to (somewhat) adjust back to life in Thailand.  And although this road has been anything but bump-free, thankfully, coming to Thailand for the second time around has been much easier. 

But the new year brought new questions, challenges, and a visit from PC officials.  All of which center around the theme:  "I'm lonely, depressed, discouraged, and to top it all off I don't feel like I've done a damn thing, so what the hell am I still doing here a year later?" 

Now, I am blessed to have wonderful friendships with other volunteers here, people I likely would have never met but for this experience- I am so thankful for that.  And the days I get to spend with them are anything but lonely. 

Additionally, I have discovered that I really enjoy teaching - something I NEVER would have admitted a year ago, nor would have even been willing to try.  Desperation certainly opens one's mind. 

And last but not least, while I still suck at Thai, I know enough to order meals, buy bus tickets, ask for directions, make small talk, and talk about what I can do to be a better volunteer.  I found out this last tidbit the other day.  What came of it really surprised me.

After talking to some other volunteers experiencing the same frustrations this week, I somehow mustered the courage to talk to my Thai co-workers about why exactly they asked for a volunteer when I haven't yet helped them - with anything - and what, when I leave, will they remember about me? 

I was wholeheartedly expecting them to say "You hate fish and cry when you are frustrated."  (I've cried once and have yet to live it down.)  But without skipping a beat, the Deputy Mayor of my village listed three things that simultaneously made me feel like a success AND the world's biggest jerk.

1) "You have taught our children about healthy lifestyles.  And you have taught them in a way that is very different from the Thai style of teaching and our teachers are learning from you, too." 

2)  "You have taught us that foreigners are very different from Thais.  And that our cultures are very different and we have very different lifestyles." 

3)  "Because of you, the children in our village are no longer afraid of white people.  They are no longer afraid to talk to foreigners." 

Okay, so at this point you probably think I'm a success, a jerk, and now, a braggart.  But here's the deal: the good feelings I have experienced here are so few and far between that sometimes the only way I can cope is by clinging to what seems like a tiny, insignificant moment to those who haven't experienced anything like this before.  And if that's how I get through the next year without drowning in my own self-pity, so be it. 

But this happened to be an exceptionally lucky week for me, because I got TWO of these moments.  The second one snuck its way in this evening as I biked home with some of the kids.  We weren't talking about anything serious when one of the girls turned to me and said "Thank you.  Thank you for coming to our school and helping us.  Our school really loves you." 

I held it together long enough to say goodbye as she turned down the lane to her house, biked straight home, pulled down my garage door and burst into tears.  Of happiness, relief, frustration, guilt, and the hundred other emotions I feel every day here. 

I am blessed to have had this experience because despite how frustrating, depressing, lonely, and stressful it has been for me it has - at times - been equally as interesting, happy, fulfilling and exciting.